How You Can Help your Friend or Loved One with Cancer and What not to Do.

There are actions you as a friend or family member can take to help relieve a bit of stress from your loved one with Cancer. More importantly, there are things you shouldn't do!

1. Don't coo or go into some kind of baby voice when greeting your LO (loved one). You have just reminded that person that their life sucks and they could die. Just ask, "How are you, today?". If they want to complain, it's up to them. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself a bit; just don't overstay your welcome.

2. Don't tell anyone without that person's permission. Sometimes the only morbid joy of being sick is getting the initial reaction. Don't rob that person of the one thing that they may want to do themselves. Also, it's no one else's business unless they chose otherwise. Don't be a gossip. The sympathy is not for you.

3. Be super kind and helpful. Being in the state of life and death is emotionally tramatic and depression comes with the other symptoms. Don't talk about how you are kissing butt unless you want to negate the work you do. Your LO doesn't want to hear about your hardships and then feel guilty about the extra work you do for them. Just do what you can to help them without reminding them they're sick.

4. Buy stuff for them. Magazines are easy to digest and sometimes a book is too much work for a patient. Flowers will remind them of beauty and your thoughts. Books on tape are best. Being able to completely relax your body and keep your mind busy is the goal when you can't sleep but actually too tired to watch TV. If chemo is necessary, silk scarves/bandanas and soft beanies/hats are welcome. A soft new robe and slippers are nice too.

5. Provide their favorite foods as much as you can. Its time to make eating as easy as possible. After surgery or chemo, food is hard to accept. Taste and smell are negatively affected by treatment. Having small portions of comfort food will probably be appreciated immensely. Don't push. Let them pick all day instead of a providing a large plate if you live together. If you're a neighbor, leave food and note on doorstep and ring bell and run away. Patients can then call you if they have the energy. Do not call; Send Mail.

6. Don't keep bringing it up. A Cancer patient will see Cancer everywhere without your help. If you've ever bought a car and didn't notice how many of your model are around till after your purchase, you can say the same for Cancer. It's everywhere and we don't need you to ruin a perfectly good cancer-free mind-set with your pity. Don't buy them Cancer themed ribbons or t-shirts. It feels pointless. Wear it somewhere else, to us it's just a reminder.

7. Don't tell them how much you've donated/walked/ran etc., to the cause. First, we don't care right now. Second, any research they are doing now won't be available for 5 to 10 years, way too long to help your LO.

8. Don't go on the internet and then verbal vomit your research about Cancer all over your patient. Its not going to help anyway. If you are close enough to go to the doctor with your LO, then: Go, ask the doctor, and then forget it. If you are not close enough to go to the doctor's appointment, then keep your mouth shut or pass it to the closer person. Control your need to fix it.

9. Offer to shave the head of your LO if chemo is necessary. Having a bed full of hair is not only gross but a pain to clean up when you don't feel well.

10. Offer to watch children and/or drive to appointments. Trips to the doctor are continuous while in treatment and a ride is not only appreciated but sometimes necessary. Having to ask for help while feeling helpless is extremely difficult emotionally. Don't wait to be asked. Caring for young children is almost impossible. My daughter was about a year old when I went through chemo and we had full-time daycare available. I was very lucky.

Most of the time I just wanted to be left alone except for help with food. Make sure the person you're helping wants your help. If you don't live together, be patient and just let them know you are available by sending a thoughtful card.

I know first hand. Out of 6 family members, 4 have been diagnosed with Cancer, so far, plus a sister-in-law. My father did not survive the chemo but the rest of us are holding on. Every case is different but the percentage of survivors continues to grow. Best wishes to all as you proceed through this hardship.